Searching for my bearings
We’re programmed to believe that pain tells us when something isn’t right in our bodies or in our emotional lives. Pain is supposed to be an indicator that we need to change something in ourselves or in our environment.
Then, in seeming contradiction, we’re also taught the truism “no pain, no gain.” The old saying implies that pain—either physical or mental—means progress.
Whether it’s telling us to stop what we’re doing or urging us to push harder, pain seems to have a lot to say about how we live our lives. But what if none of it is true?
Towards the end of last summer, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. At the time, I was like most people in that I had no idea what it was. But soon enough I discovered what the disease means for me: chronic pain.
The confusing thing about endometriosis is that a lot of pain doesn’t necessarily equate a lot of disease-induced damage to the body. A person with Stage IV can live relatively hurt-free, while someone with Stage I can be crippled by chronic pain.
With endometriosis, the factors which encourage or inhibit pain are too complex to suss out, so pain ceases to act as a marker of anything meaningful.
And that’s a hard lesson to learn and fully integrate into my day-to-day processing of my life. Accepting that pain may not mean anything at all goes against my most basic survival instinct. It’s terrifying to think that when I feel pain I am simply feeling pain.
Then again, it’s also liberating.
The sensation of pain and the avoidance of it may seem to be an essential compass for navigating life, but it’s also a bit depressing to give something so unpleasant center stage in one’s psyche. I don’t especially want to be someone who listens to pain for a clue of what to do in life, and now I can’t be.
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(10) Comments / Commentaires: Searching for my bearings
This is a bit tangential, but did you hear the story on NPR about “Is emotional pain necessary?”? Here’s the link:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128874986
It was a very interesting piece, but of course it’s addressing a completely different kind of pain, and one that (generally) eases with time on its own.
From what you have said on your blog, it sounds like there is no way to know when (or if?) the chronic pain that you are experiencing will ever ease, which is a scary thought. Are you treating your pain symptoms at all with medicine or alternative medicine? Of course you don’t have to answer this question, if it’s too personal.
As a side note, I love your photography! (I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating!)
Thanks, Claire!
The article is interesting and it certainly addresses some of the emotional side to chronic illness. I think I’m coming out of the worst of it—the depression triggered by the big and heavy changes in my life in the last year—and I’m glad I went through it unmedicated. Of course, I’m saying that now…because I’m feeling better!
I’ve tried lots of things to treat the physical pain. Sometimes diet works, sometimes it doesn’t. The factors which trigger the pain are complex and what helps one day has little effect the next. It is frustrating. I like to have answers, and there just aren’t any for endo.
Gwenn, I had no idea you were visited by this malady—my sympathies. I also am a chronic pain sufferer (from arthritis that affects my neck, thus leading to some really attention-grabbing headaches), and “managing” pain has become an absorbing avocation. One technique that works for me during flare-ups is to sit in a meditative state and actually enter into the pain—to let go of resisting it. Many times this means the pain briefly gets even worse, then subsides as my body accepts the pain’s presence. Does that make any sense? Let’s TAWK.
Yes. Accepting the pain and letting it move through and beyond, very important…also very hard! I’ve been focusing on my face recently. When I’m hurting, I find that my face scrunches up and gets tight. If I open my face (or even just think about opening it) the pain seems to dissipate. For a while anyway.
Migraines are the worst. Mine have calmed down some since my surgery last year, but that’s the sort of pain that I cannot tolerate. At the first sign of a headache, I pop painkillers because I don’t want to let the pain settle on me.
I am sorry that you deal with this. It’s helpful for me to hear other people’s stories, so I started sharing about it on my site even though I still have some reservations about it. Do you talk about it a lot? Do you ever talk about it on your blog?
I’ve discussed it on my blog before, but not for a long time. I do complain on FB every so often, and I appreciate the sympathy. But! For better or for worse, after a while you find that a chronic condition settles into being the new normal; if I complained about the migraines every time I got one, it would be all I talked about. So there’s this maintenance level of functionality I use as I get through the day. That’s why the pain management is so vital; you can’t let the chronic pain stop you.
i also have endo and just wanted to give you some props, for being real and true and honest. I also struggle with the many identities of ‘pain’ and am simultaneously working on the pain and through the pain…. I love your pages, your art rocks, keep on representin’! I will someday get the courage to ‘come out’ with my endo and pain… pretty
Thank you for all the kind things you say. You saying them makes it easier to be out about endo!
Hi there,
My name is Jeanette and I had a surgery yesterday on the 31st and I’m diagnosed with endo. I had a long term problem with 24/7 bleeding, low iron, feeling tired and drained, no energy. I felt really emotional when I found out after waking up and asked my interpreter (I’m deaf)what the doctor said. I didn’t know how to react but at the same time I knew I might have endo. Kathryn Durkin is my brother Jeffrey’s fiance and she gave me this website so I can learn how to cope along with this journey. It was nice to read your blog and I continue to read it later on for future references 
.
Thank you for this Gwenn!! I’ve not been officially diagnosed but I’m pretty positive I have endo. I have been taking continuous cycle birth control for years so that I don’t have to deal with periods and the terrible cramping. I also get migraines :(
Good on you for having the courage to talk about your struggles here!! Thank you for raising awareness, and for making me feel less alone. Good thoughts going out to everyone who has posted!
Amanda...
Hi Gwenn,
first of all thanks for popping by my blog and introducing yourself there because it means I was able to come by and meet you here. Your work is just amazing and it is beautiful to see how it develops (I just watched the video about the painting of your Grandma, “un petit tour” was it called?) I love to see the creative process that goes into a piece of art, so thank you for sharing.
As for Endometriosis, well it is a real mystery sometimes isn’t it? I am sorry to hear that you also suffer from it: do let me know if there is any information you need, any questions you might have, or if you simply want to connect with some other “Endo bloggers” for support. And most of all, thank you for being so honest in this post and sharing your experience with others!
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