Change
In 2006 and 2007, I created a series of “before” and “after” portraits of seven women undergoing physical changes having to do with becoming a woman. Swollen looked at everything from pregnancy and puberty to marriage and menopause but also included breast enlargement, sex reassignment surgery, and the everyday end-of-life transitions. The series was all about change, and at the time I thought I understood it.
Gwenn Seemel
Before And After: She Can Call Herself A Woman
2006 and 2007
both acrylic on bird’s eye
34 x 96 inches (together)
I created these two self-portraits for Swollen. With them, I meant to underline that it wasn’t actually the physical change that would make a person a woman. It was the paradigm shift. I had assigned each physical transition an earth metaphor—a volcanic eruption for puberty, tectonic plates building mountains for breast enlargement, things like that. To draw the distinction between those changes and my own non-physical one, I referred to the most earth-shattering transition our planet has undergone in conscious history for my self-portraits. I showed the earth going from being flat to being round.
With all this, I was pretty sure that I understood just how profoundly a paradigm shift can affect everything in a person’s life. In any case, I was convinced it always meant more than any physical change could.
I was wrong.
Last summer, I ended up in the hospital when a large cyst on my ovary ruptured. Post-surgery, it turned out that a lot of little things that had been wrong with my body in the past few years could be traced to that cyst and to its cause, the disease endometriosis. Since coming out of the hospital, I had a brief illusion of good health at the end of my initial recovery but soon afterwards my physical condition began deteriorating significantly. Where I used to have an undiagnosed and relatively mild form of endometriosis, I now have the chronic pain that the disease is famous for along with a host of other symptoms.
Six months ago, a cyst that had probably taken years to grow burst, and it was that physical change as well as ensuing damages from the disease (and its limited therapies) that has caused several major paradigm shifts for me. Redefining how change works is just one of those. Through my new perspective, I am learning lots of new lessons.
Chief among them is a new take on empathy. I thought I understood it: I am, after all, someone who specializes in being sensitive enough to see people a bit how they see themselves. I thought I was good at it. The last half a year has proven to me how wrong I was.
My first lesson in empathy came in the form of a mother complaining about her son. I had heard her story a year before: her son had been in a terrible car accident and had survived but with much damage to one leg. He was living with pain and painkillers and a severe limp. He was twenty years old, still at home, and causing no end of trouble for his parents. When I heard the story in 2008, I felt sorry for the mother and deplored the son’s inability to bounce back from the accident or to at least stop being such a heartbreak for his mother. When I heard the story in 2009, I just felt sorry. For the mother still, but mostly for the son. And for me. Empathy isn’t about pretending that you understand what someone else is going through: it’s about acknowledging that you have no idea and then listening. I’m glad I know that much now.
And the lessons keep coming—in empathy but also in grieving, boundary-setting, and even nutrition. Everything looks different now. For one thing, I certainly never thought I’d be talking about my lady bits in any detail on my blog. While I don’t plan to make a habit of it, I knew I had to when I found out that March is endometriosis awareness month. Being one more woman who publicly pretends that she doesn’t have this misunderstood and incurable disease suddenly didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore.
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CATEGORIES: - Philosophy - On endometriosis -
(3) Comments / Commentaires: Change
Thank you for sharing your experience, which personalizes endometriosis; I admit I had only a vague understanding of it before your called it to my attention. Hopefully more women will be attentive to their physical symptoms and seek treatment if they need it.
And thank you, also, for sharing your profound insight into Empathy. It is beautifully and thoughtfully written.
Talent, indeed!
You are one gutsy broad Gwenn. I admire your ability and willingness to share your experiences, both the good and the difficult ones, and the feelings you have surrounding them.
Big ups.
Jack Wakeland...
Bravo Talent.
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