Blog / 2026 / Being Friendly Versus Being Friends

The word “friend” is squishy. It can imply a deep bond, a casual relationship, or even a hoped-for link with another human. The term turns up most frequently in many people’s lives as text that they probably don’t even register anymore. “Add Friend” appears authoritative on a dark blue button that, when clicked, sends an automated request for connection.

While I know it’s possible that tapping a screen could bolster some relationships, it’s never felt quite right to me. I remember when I first got on social media: receiving a so-called “friend request” notification without an accompanying direct message irritated me. Eventually, as the unpersonalized requests poured in, I had to admit I was being too literal. The “friend” in “Add Friend” was a suggestion more than an indication of keen interest, and sending a direct message to someone you didn’t know was considered forward.

Since deleting social media in 2020, I’ve blogged a lot about how I’ve managed to continue making my living as an artist without Facebook, YouTube, and all the rest, but I’ve talked less about what reclaiming the word “friend” from its clickable form has meant to me personally.

I’d like to do that today, starting with this commissioned portrait of a dog and her two people, represented by wolves, because it’s a painting about friendship. More specifically, it’s a painting that makes me think about my own understanding of the word “friend.”

For years, I’ve described my default attitude when meeting new people as “solicitous puppy,” referring to the way I wag my tail a whole lot and roll over to show others my belly too quickly.

This behavior stems from a good place: I want to be friendly with others, because I like making things smoother with my fellow humans. My feeling is that the world is hard enough as it is without me going around making people uncomfortable.

That said, I’ve also come to realize that, for years now, I’ve mistaken my own friendliness for friendship.

In 2025, I finally switched things up. I decided to pay less attention to how I’m making other people feel and more attention to how they’re making me feel, and I began to understand that it’s okay if I don’t like how people are making me feel. I don’t have to be friends with them and, depending on how not-good they make me feel, it’s okay for me to stop wagging my tail quite so much for them. I can be friendly without letting anyone confuse my friendliness for a desire for deeper friendship.

Maybe all this seems painfully obvious to you. If so, I’m glad, as it means you have healthy boundaries with others. But, if this post makes you feel a certain way, I suggest reading Meg Josephson’s Are You Mad at Me? and Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace.

And for anyone who clicked through to this blog from the United States, whether or not you think you have good boundaries with others, I have a more general tip for these chaotic and dangerous times. With the authoritarian in the White House sanctioning violence against American citizens and seizing voter information, it’s especially important for each of us to get very clear on who our friends are.

Join the nationwide general strike to protest ICE tomorrow: no work, no school, no shopping. For more information, go here. Spread the word.